tug-o-war

i feel so pulled apart these days.   as a mom, as a friend, as a Christian. i "seem" to have all these decisions to make and i don't know how to make them.  or, i make a decision, and it seems right for a time, and then i have to change that decision.   or, i make a decision and it is the wrong choice.   or, i make a choice, and it's just "okay."

decisions don't just affect me, they affect others.  it's inevitable.  and i don't want my choices to hurt others. never.

but, the ones that really matter most to me, well, those are the decisions that tie directly into my family. 

what to use for teaching.

what to do each day as far as chores, dinner, and uplifting, kind words.

oh, on a side note, and this is a biggie for my Philip- what to wear. don't get me wrong, it's note THAT huge but it's a battle i don't fight often.  it's something that is really important to him for some reason. and to a four year old, the important stuff matters no matter what it means to US.   the girl usually just wants me to pick for her.  how nice is that? and what about the baby's clothes? well, he'd rather not have any on. in fact, if i don't dress him in a sleeper, expect it ALL to come off sooner or later (and several times over) throughout the day.  anywhoo, along with my original thoughts....

more decisions, concerning my children-

establishing their relationships with friends and family. and the outside world.

and one that is always a conundrum for myself- how to handle other people in my life.   i usually have high expectations. i usually tie myself very emotionally with other people (whether they know that or not).  i shouldn't but i do.  i'm modifying that and concentrating on what is best for my family.   maybe i just have high hopes for everyone instead of high expectations. maybe it's just expecting their best and not the best of them FOR me.  but for THEM. anyways,  after discussing things like this with close friends and family it's a tried and true issue that just seems to never end with most people.   friendship shouldn't be a tug-of-war, either, and it sure feels like it sometimes.   i think often of heaven and how it will be.   no silly issues with family or friends.   no holding back with love with friends and family.   no reservations on how to serve and praise the Lord.  how AWESOME that will be.  i really can't wait!

it seems that Rich and I are having a hard time deciding on where to attend church. although, he said the other day, it really is okay.  we both want what is best for our family. we both are willing to sacrifice for our family and the Lord.   sometimes it feels like maybe we are missing the mark. or, perhaps, we just need to wait a bit more. or, keep moving. i think it's the latter, of keep moving.   it's interesting the path that God leads you on.   we want what is right.   and following the Lord with this decision is our ultimate goal.  

as far as homeschooling, the whole deciding on curriculum is difficult.   there are so much that is intriguing to me.  i'm now looking at classical homeschooling versus charlotte mason versus literature based.  of course, cost is a big factor, but i love being eclectic and creative with the kids' studies and books that i think at the end of it all, those choices i make will be just fine and perfect for us.   but, meanwhile, i get "plagued" by this and that curriculum, by this and that style, by this and that opinion.   it's sometimes. just. too. much. **i posted this without mentioning a reason or two why this is such an important thing for me......this is all preparing my children for whatever else is to come in their lives.  it's a big responsibility, even when they are little NOW.   i feel pressed upon my heart to let them discover more about God's love for others and to figure out how to do this for the summer and next school year has been honestly, a little trying.   i feel led to give them studies on other children of the world and missionary stories to learn about. i don't want us to be self centered...i think their age is a perfect time to show them how to care about others and also to learn more Bible truths!**

it's sometimes just too much of a give and take with things, i just want to hide for an hour. or two.   well, definitely for just a minute.  i think my three children can handle that!

i want to grow as a Christian, as a mom, as a friend, as a homeschooling mom.   As a wife....oh, is that the most important besides my relationship with God.  it sure is.

but growing means taking things as they come, and understanding that wearing the hats that i do requires these types of choices.   i just pray for the strength and wisdom day by day.  i pray for love and gentleness. i pray for obedience on my part and my children.  i pray for kindness, of being kind and showing kindness. i pray for courage to go through each day.  i also pray for discernment for when to change, move, quit, begin, keep at it, look back, look forward, and look up. 

but, i know that i will do so with the grace He gives me and i will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be looking to the sky.

blessings.

ps. before i go tonight, i just love this photo and it just gives me the smiles.  ;)

Comments

[Kimmy]

Beautifully honest post!

I just love you Amy. You are such an inspiration & blessing! ;-)

[Danielle (vtpuggirl)]

Stopping by because I miss you too! I love that photo first off. I hope you find some peace today, decisions are hard but you have all the evidence you need to make them. (I have to believe this, I make life and death decisions on a daily basis in medicine, yikes!) Hope you are feeling better about your choices today!

[LTTS]

Well, I,,,I feel like I just took a deep breath of sweetness of living and moving where God is and where He would like one to be...what a compelling collection of words that have a truth of love behind them...
LTTS

[michele]

i feel you, sister. we've been church-shopping for years, ever since the pastor of our church left after admitting a several-years affair with one of the congregants. the church went downhill from there, and we left. and haven't found "our" place ever since. i truly feel the right ones comes along on its own time, but it stinks to have no "home base," so to speak, doesn't it? i hope you can find it quickly. and other than that, don't sweat the small stuff! ;o) hugs.

[auntde]

Hey sweetie, you're holdin' on awful tight right now. You can only give the kids what you have. The Lord stressed big-time that love is the greatest gift.

Love levels the playing field. Love is the great equalizer. Your decision; to simply love for the day that you're in. And tomorrow, leave today behind. And again, just love.

Love will guide you; you will walk in peace. Your relationships won't be perfect, but you will view them with content. Love is the measure for everything in your life and won't misguide you.

Take a deep breath, you are exactly the person that God designed you to be. So relax into His love and pass it on. Carpe dium.

Love, love, love...